Questionable Design

With the amount of time I spend browsing the internet for home decorating inspiration, it seems only natural that I’d run into some choices that clash so wildly with my own aesthetic (and, perhaps, the aesthetic of ANYONE WITH EYEBALLS) that I am left staring wide-eyed at my computer screen, mouth agape, wondering what is happening. You know, the same reaction produced whenever Lady Gaga is doing anything besides GOING AWAY. Far be it from me to be super-snarky about other people’s home design choices, when my apartment looks like an IKEA catalog threw up all over it, but — well, actually, no. That’s exactly what is happening here. I’m going to be super judgmental because it is my god-given right as a 20-something female equipped with a blog and severe case of holier-than-thou (and no, I’m not currently seeking treatment).

So. File this under: Things I Don’t Want In My House; subcategory: Were You On Drugs When You Chose That?; sub-subcategory: Just Because You Paid A Lot For It, Doesn’t Make It Art.

Exhibit A:

from here

As if the small, bizarre teeth on that creepy, smiling dude didn’t freak you out enough, it is hanging above the bed in this French apartment (come on, France! you can do better than this!). Imagine waking up from a delicious dream involving Gaspard Ulliel (the French at least got him right), stretching languidly, trying to savor the best bits, and then making eye contact with THAT. I feel like that painting might as well come with moving eyeballs and a spooky laugh-track that goes off when you least expect it, quietly, so as to make you believe it’s alive. Because it might be! MAKE HIM STOP LOOKING AT ME.

Exhibit B:

also from here

This is from the same apartment, because you know, apparently one super creeptastic painting wasn’t enough. The designers on this one really wanted to drive home their point of view, which if I’ve interpreted correctly, allowing for the nuances of the French language, translates into, “You should fill your house with art that literally burns holes in your eyelids.” I know the French tend to be more avant garde with their style and designs than we lowly Americans, but ya’ll, seriously? We’re meant to believe the woman in the painting had time to put on a ruffled collar but no bra? That was so last year.

Exhibit C:

from here

BAH, giant children heads. While certainly cuter than the first picture, those kid’s eyes are too big and saucer-like for my taste. Look, we get it, kids are cute. Sometimes so cute that you want to make 2’x3′ paintings of their heads. The rest of us are content to pinch a few cheeks, but hey, to each their own. Also, the decision to hang this mere feet from the foot of the bed?What was that all about? Is it so while the parents are getting jiggy with it, they have a reminder of what happened the last time? I GET IT. It’s visual birth control, right?

Exhibit D:

from here

You guys, don’t move. The robot from Metropolis has set up command central in the living room and is now acting as an overlord to those yellow Eames chairs. Oh, wait. Whew, it’s just a shapeless stone mannequin. That makes more sense! How silly of me.

Exhibit E:

from here

Believe it or not, this is a kitchen, not a den of iniquity, from the very appropriately titled post over at Desire to Inspire, “How much is too much?” Let me answer that question by saying that ONE Playboy picture decoupaged on the walls of a kitchen is too much; hundreds make you downright disturbed. And in case the floor-to-ceiling images of women too classy for clothing wasn’t distracting enough, check out the carousel horse on top of the water heater (? storage unit for dead bodies?). That thing has officially galloped out of the picture and INTO MY NIGHTMARES.

What’s the worst design choice/trend you’ve seen recently? Bonus points for creepiness.

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