I wanted to wait to share this song until next Tuesday, saving the best for last, but I just couldn’t wait. Three Words: Wham! “Last Christmas.” This is my definitive Christmas song. I listen to it year round, though mostly through headphones when it’s not the holiday season to avoid the weird and judgmental stares. Once December rolls around? Good luck hanging out with me and escaping without having to hear it at least twice. I’ll even sing it if you’re (un)lucky.
Despite how upbeat and fantastically 80s synth-y this song is, you might not know that it’s filled with heartache and despair. Let’s break down the video, shall we? (I love dissecting George Michael music videos).
It starts out promisingly enough: a group of friends gathering together in the snowy mountains for a Christmas ski vacation. Look how happy George Michael is! With his arms spread open like that and the hills in the background, he could be Maria von Trapp!
“THE HILLS ARE ALIVE, WITH THE SOUND OF GEORGIOS!”
Things continue along a whimsical trajectory. People are setting the table, collecting firewood, decorating the tree. Someone is wearing moon boots. George Michael is innocently assisting with the tinsel garland, when all of a sudden…
Awk. Ward: his bangs stick out further than his nose. Oh, and there’s clearly some tension between them.
We then learn that these two had a history, but now relations are so frosty they’re reduced to sharing silent stares and stolen glances in the midst of the merriment surrounding them. “What happened, George Michael?” you might wonder. It’s actually pretty tragic, but he’s been putting on a brave face since last Christmas: he gave her his heart, and then the very next day she gave it away. The very next day! The nerve!
He tried to be strong, but the grief overcomes him, and then he starts brooding wildly all over the place.
During snowball fights:
Omg stop it George Michael, it’s creepy.
We’re treated to a montage of their happier times last Christmas, before she gave his heart away. There was frolicking in the snow!
And hilarious wipeouts!
In addition to his heart, we learn George Michael also gave her a diamond broach in the shape of a flower last Christmas. George Michael really went all out last Christmas.
Since she’s still wearing it this Christmas, I think it’s safe to assume she didn’t give it away last year on the 26th and is therefore obviously a shallow, materialistic harlot who never deserved George Michael’s heart in the first place.
I know, I know, it’s awfully depressing. But you shouldn’t be sad for George Michael, because he learned a valuable lesson through the whole ordeal: this year, to save himself from tears, he’ll give his heart to someone special (liiiike, maybe the woman he brought on vacation? Poor thing, she’s barely a blip on his radar).
The video ends with everyone packing up their skis and giant, oversized 80s coats and taking the ski lift back to civilization. But they have to go out the same way they came in:
Over the fence.
Seriously? That house is enormous and there isn’t a gate or like, a path somewhere? It’s like building a house in the Sims with no exits and watching them struggle to get out. Eventually the Sims will die. Everyone in this video makes it out alive, though maybe more emotionally damaged than when they entered. There’s something incredibly dramatic there, spending a week in a ski chalet with two ex lovers and their new partners, just basking in the suspense. Don’t you wish there was a follow up song to complete the storyline? Though come to think of it, “Careless Whisper” was released the following year, so apparently George Michael moved on from this chick.