Oh, Fitzwater.


I meant to write about this sooner but I’ve been having problems processing it all, so traumatizing was the whole thing.

Last Friday night, Fitz ate both of JAMAL’s parents’ pill boxes, the kinds with the day-of-the-week compartments, while we were out to dinner. His parents were down visiting for the weekend and left them on the table, not realizing I guess that the dog is a lunatic and only days piror had managed to pull a brand new loaf of white bread off the kitchen counter, devour the whole thing, most of the plastic included, and then poop on our floor. Let me tell you, the blind panic that washes over you when you walk into the house and see two empty, mangled pill boxes on the floor is something I never want to experience again. I almost passed out.

Fitz didn’t even seem embarrassed, let alone sick, but we started carefully compiling a list of what he could have possibly ingested before we called our vet and animal poison control. Here’s what we came up with: 800mg of baby aspirin, 9000mg of fish oil, 6000mg of calcium supplements, 3000mg of CoQ10, blood pressure medication, multivitamins, and gummy vitamins. The animal poison control hotline (which definitely went up in price since the last time I called when Fitz ate a box of matches, from $35 to $65) recommended we go to the closest pet emergency room, and our vet said the same thing. So we got in the car at 10pm and drove over to University of Pennsylvania’s animal hospital, thankfully only a quick drive away. The place was packed. Packed! Someone saw us right when we came in and scooped Fitz out of our arms (we were carrying him not because he was sick, but because there were other dogs in the waiting room and he would spaz out) and took him to the back where they induced vomiting to get as much as they could out of his system. Thus began a three hour long waiting process.

We spoke with the attending vet several times throughout the night, and he kept us updated on what they were doing and what they had found. Fitz, meanwhile, was in the back howling his head off like he was on a hunt and had found a fox, thank you Beagle-genes. The crowd in the waiting room slowly started to dissolve around midnight, when it was just us and another couple who brought their Shih Tzu in after a dog bite. Fitz was given a dose of activated charcoal to bind whatever  toxins were left in his body. Calcium in high doses can be lethal, apparently, but the vets never pushed anything on us and asked for our permission for everything they did. Like we were going to say no, or something? “This can save your dog but it’s about $40.” “Ew, no.”

Finally, at 1am Fitz was discharged with a prescription of Pepcid to help his stomach, and the funniest discharge paperwork I’ve ever seen.


“Fitz has a history of eating things which he should not eat.” That is going on my grave. Not his, mine, because this dog is surely going to be the death of me.

We went home and Fitz conked right out, exhausted from the long experience. We all slept until 10:15am the next morning, which has never, ever happened as long as I’ve known JAMAL or had Fitz. Neither of them are capable of sleeping past 8am. Fitz went out on his walk, and came back in and looked a little woozy. He plopped down on the rug by the front door and wouldn’t move, even when called or taunted with toys. Nothing. We finally got him into a sitting position and made him walk over to us, and that’s when we realized his back legs weren’t working. At all. He was walking like he was drunk. JAMAL scooped Fitz and set him on the sofa, where he proceeded to wheeze weirdly, until I hysterically called Penn Vet Hospital again and then told us to come back in. AGAIN. We had left a mere nine hours before, but we had to go back because something was clearly wrong with Fitz. I spend the whole ride crying, holding him on my lap as he shook.

Don’t worry, he didn’t die, but it certainly felt like a possibility at the time. We spent another three hours at the hospital Saturday morning, where the vet determined Fitz had likely strained something in his lumbar during the “aggressive” vomiting from the night before, and that he wasn’t suffering from some neurological deficit caused by, and I believe the medical terminology is, Being an Asshole and Eating a Pharmacy. This time we were given more hilarious paperwork claiming Fitz was “an adorable patient!” and a scrip for Tramadol, with strict orders to rest him for two weeks. Tramadol is a hell of a drug, if you’ve ever taken it, and it’s made Fitz super sleepy and calm. I want to give it to him all the time.


So that’s the story of how we spent $300 on a stomach pump and both needed a stiff drink afterwards. The rest of the weekend passed without issue, though we’re back to crating Fitz anytime we’re not home (this must seem like the most “DUH” move of all, but whatever, we’re learning). The vet warned us Fitz could have wicked stomach upset over the whole thing, but the only adverse side effect we’ve noticed is that his royal highness will now only eat his dinner if we put the bowl on the sofa next to him. We did that the first two days because he was too achey to stand on the floor and eat normally, and now he scoffs at you unless you bring him his food. What a diva.

Just kidding. I love you, Fitzwater. You crackhead.

17 thoughts on “Oh, Fitzwater.

  1. What is it with that pup?? He’s a nightmare! That discharge slip is hilarous. What a deadpan under statement.
    Glad he’s ok though obviously! x

  2. I told you the moment I looked at him….He’s a Crackhead. It’s not his fault. His mother was a crackhead. His father was probably a crackhead, too. One can not be sure.
    “Other abnormal behavior”???? When did Fitz ever have a “NORMAL” behavior??? But, MomMom loves him anyway!

  3. is it wrong that i’m laughing? only because i know there’s a happy outcome though! promise! please frame those discharge papers! oh fitzwater indeed! you devlish ol’ hound!!!

  4. ahhh, that made me laugh so much!!! oh fitz. i freely laughed because i knew he would be okay, he’s just too spunky to be taken down by 2 boxes of pills. and when i read they gave him that sleepy drug for rest i shared your joy and wished i could snuggle him for a minute. 2 weeks rest i guarantee you are going to look back on those two medicated weeks with him with fondness. i am sure it’s twisted but there’s a couple flus i look back on and remember with affection because while my poor children were miserable they were just so snuggly!

    you are so ready for parenthood now. i mean when you are ready of course. it’s like fitz came to train you on being a parent. the waking early, the middle of the night ER visits, poison control, not being able to leave them alone…pretty much sums up motherhood of human babies too :) xoxo twinsy. xoxo fitz.

  5. Oh Fitz. The number of times I have traveled, scared and shaking, to the Pet Emergency (let alone the KID emergency), well…let’s just say I feel your pain. I’m so glad he’s okay, and the bit about needing to eat on the sofa totally cracks me up. One of our girls used to do that…I’ll have to ask Neel which one.

    And the only affect her twice daily dose of Tramadol seems to have on Violet is that she stays lying down when barking her dang fool head off instead of jumping up and running to the door. It’s like she’s telling the other girls, “Go get that apparent burglar for me!”

  6. What an experience! That dog is bonkers, so glad it all ended up well. He is lucky he is so adorable. My old dog attempted eating a dead bird, this did not end up well for her, 5 injections and lots of pain.

  7. Oh man, what an episode! He really does make you work for his care. I can’t even imagine the stress and worry you must have felt traveling both times to the hospital! Thank goodness you infuse a bit of humor into this post. I’m chuckling while at the same time feeling your pain.
    My aunt just adopted a rescue dog – a Shih Tzu, in fact. So far, the dog seems pretty normal. The rescue center told my aunt she’s two years old, but she acts like she’s 40. All she wants to do is cuddle on your lap and sleep. Hmm. Polar opposite of a spaz.

  8. I…I just have no words…or oxygen left after laughing (after reading everything was ok, of course). Your dog deserves his own show.

  9. Jesus, Fitz!!! Talk about go big or go home!
    SO glad you’re okay, albeit with delusions of grandeur.

    Erin/JAMAL: Cannot imagine the scenarios you played out in your head on the journey to the vet but look on the bright side – parenthood will be such a breeze for you when the time comes. *hugs* xo

    P.S. Mommy Moo’s comment cracked me up. Now I know where you get your sense of humour from! :D

  10. Oh god. Maybe he was just looking to get his multivitamins in? I don’t quite know how a dog’s mind works (or doesn’t work) but you have a special one there. I’m so glad that he’s okay – I feel like maybe he needs to live in an oversized hamster ball. I may just buy you one the next time he eats another rug.

  11. Holy crap. Erin and JAMAL take a bow. I have to admit that I chuckled all the way through this, he sounds like a total character (and a complete nightmare) – I didn’t know he had such a menacing white beard! I agree with Chi, parenthood should be a breeze after all of this. I might have told you this before but my dog used to eat moisturiser. She somehow managed to get the lid off the pot and chow down on the whole thing… and then proceeded to poop it out everywhere. Fun times. She did have a very shiny coat though!

    1. Ahem….I’d just like to mention that SOMEONE who owns FItz was a frequent flyer at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia…including an overnight stay with the most dangerous break in the body….just sayin’……..

  12. Oh naughty dog. Poor Fitz I’m not sure whether I should laugh or be sad (for you).
    The panic must have been massive.
    Diva and a crackhead, that’s so funny.
    Sorry to hear yours and Jamal’s wallet is much lighter over the experience.
    Get well soon Fitz xx

  13. I am so glad that he is okay! He is a luney pup for eating all of those pills but in the end I am so so glad that he only has achey legs! It must have been so scary to go through with all of it. So glad that you and Fitz are much better :)

  14. I really wish I could spend a day in this pups head. I can’t even. I thought Fitz was on meds- I thought those calmed the separation anxiety? The thing with the hind legs would have freaked me out big time too. Erin, I can’t even.

  15. Fitz, Fitz, Fitz., what have you done again?…I am so glad he is ok after eating all those pills. Hope he feels better soon..

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