“I’m Chuck Bass.”

First order of business: A very happy birthday to my Mommy (that’s Mommy Moo to you). Mom, I tried to buy you a younger age for your birthday since it was all you asked for, but there were some logistical complications. I love you! When the weather is nice I’m taking her to New York for the weekend and treating her me to Ladurée and a show on off Broadway.

Second order of business: Boyfriend is officially en route back to this side of the world, landing in Philadelphia at 8:30 tonight. I’m mostly excited for Fitz, who will finally be able to stop searching the house in a panic, convinced Male Human is hiding somewhere and why won’t he just come out and play already? And, okay, maybe I’m a little excited to have Boyfriend back, and not just because I get to sing, “Hey la, HEY LA, my boyfriend’s back!”

I finished season 4 of Gossip Girl last week and proceeded to freak out at Theresa about the cliffhanger it ended on. I’m not going to ruin it for anyone who might want to get into the show, but OH MY GOD. And the cruelest part is that the first 10 episodes of season 5 (which is currently airing) aren’t on Hulu Plus or Netflix or anything, so I’m left having to be patient (!#^%!^!&^) and wait until the season repeats over the summer. I might die. Of being overdramatic.

In an effort to distract myself, here is a round-up of items for the most intense character on the show: Charles Bartholomew Bass. He of the hotelier fame with the devilishly low voice. He might or might not have tried to date rape a few characters early on, but he redeemed himself by trading his girlfriend to his uncle for a hotel. It’s a long story, and one that only works on tv. 

 1. Whisky / 2. Flask / 3. Book / 4. Signet ring / 5. Ascot / 6. Cufflinks / 7. Notebook

I love a man who can rock an ascot, or own a $650 book of vintage soft-porn. That notebook says “Excesses I Had and Liked,” which, if you’ve ever watched a single episode, might as well be the alternative title to the entire show.

Who should I do next? I think I’m only interested in Dan and Serena. As far as I’m concerned Vanessa and Jenny are a waste of screen time.