I love being able to see what people google to get to my page. Sometimes it makes perfect sense (“IKEA subway tile” and “Ladurée macaron flavors” are big, repetitive, obvious hits) and sometimes they make less than no sense at all, and I even google the same thing to see what exactly on my blog comes up. Recently, the best/most random was “shittiest engagement rings.” I can’t even. It definitely makes me more conscious of the things I google and the places I click. Though admittedly I’m surprised no one has stumbled here googling “George Michael’s eyebrows.” I have the market covered with that topic.
Anyway. Music! Tuesday Tunes! I’ll start with an analogy to get you in the right mindset: You know how radio dj’s always have the best voices and then when you see a picture of them, you think, “Whoa, I didn’t think they looked like that.” Or you have a penpal and you meet in person and finally putting a face to the name is disorienting because you had a different picture in your head? Do we all know the sensation I’m referring to? Good. Now let’s look at the video for “Always” by Erasure:
It is so full of WHAT I don’t even know where to begin. I cannot catch the plot; it seems like it is operating in not only a parallel universe with monsters and controllable weather, but one with a different song altogether. What is happening? Why is he dressed in a ceremonial lamé kimono and gold glitter swimming cap and why is there an orb that explodes in the sky? This was the first time I’d ever seen this video, and I regret it immensely. This song was such a guilty pleasure of mine (I love synth-y goodness, sue me, I grew up in the 90s) and now I am so creeped out by the entire thing I can’t listen to it without seeing this video in my head, playing in some terrifying loop. If you listen to the song alone, is this the sort of video you’d have pictured? No? ME NEITHER. I was thinking something, um, how to say this…NORMAL. Maybe in black and white. Maybe no kimonos, I don’t know.
Let’s dissect this, shall we? (Read: I had too much free time to play with Photoshop, again)
WHAT IS HE WEARING? He looks like a drunk and blind homeless woman who got stuck living behind an Hibachi restaurant. Why is he flailing at the sky? Life is full of unanswered questions.
ATTENTION, MEN: Avoid making this face while delivering flowers to a woman, unless you want her to know you intend on murdering her and sticking the body in your freezer. Also, smaller bouquets are preferable.
If you possess the power of flight, this can be used to impress the women-folk, so long as when you levitate you maintain some element of masculinity. If you look like this, you’re doing it wrong.
You don’t know how hard it was for me to not photoshop in lamps on his hands. But I restrained myself, because it would have interfered with the magical floating orb he just created and released into the air. Can we focus on the last part of that sentence? Some key words I’d like to point out in case you missed it: magical, floating, and orb. Also, sassy frozen Japanese woman, you could try to act impressed, he just created an orb for you and you’re all, “YAWN.”
(Also, I couldn’t resist:
YOU’RE WELCOME! If this doesn’t make sense, go here)
But the orb must have impressed her somewhat because she’s letting him comb her hair. Or maybe he showed her the power tools he’s going to use to dismember her body unless she lets him. I hate to draw inferences, but LOOK AT HIS FACE. I make a lot of incorrect assumptions about people being potential rapists (too much Law & Order) but in this case, I’d say I’m actually right. “Yeah, I’m going to kill her after I finished getting the knots out, AND WHAT?”
Oh, wait! Intrigue! A devil on stilts! In a Chinese dragon mask! With large talons! I get it. Not really, but I don’t want to look at this picture anymore so let’s move on.
You’d think the Bad Guy in the video would have a lot of powers, so why he settled on putting them in a giant snowball is a mystery. I mean, the one guy can fly and create orbs, all you’ve got is a giant snowball? Am I the only person who doesn’t understand what’s happening right now?
Thankfully, the devil is vanquished, and he can once again return to combing her hair while she tries to blink in morse code for someone to come rescue her. I am so uncomfortable looking at this picture, and the crazy camera angle has little to do with it.
So there you go. Watching this video was like meeting a penpal and discovering they had a third arm sprouting out of their forehead and owned 50 cats, when they seemed SO NORMAL before. You know what I need? George Michael’s eyebrows.
Whew. Now I feel better.