Tuesday Tunes

Sorry about not posting yesterday, I was too busy recovering from all the Christmas festivities and rolling around my new presents to be bothered. You guys, I got spoiled. Fitz made out like a bandit. I had an amazing day full of great food and even better company and constant belly-laughs. And then people gave me too many generous gifts. I hope everyone got everything they wanted and then some, and got to spend some quality time relaxing with friends and family.

I’m back at work today and surprisingly happy about it. Last week, one of my coworkers, Anthony (hi, Anthony!), made the mistake of showing me the following video. I say “mistake”, but I really mean “incredible gift of giggles.” Our group of cubicles usually send funny youtube videos back and forth to each other in between all of the really serious work we do (….) but this one might be my favorite. Of all time. I’m not kidding. It is multiple levels of brilliant and hilarious. Observe:

I mean, come on, right? I fell out of my chair at work during the “Biology Class at Citrus College” sax-bomb.

So of course it’s impossible to listen to that song and not have the original, George Michael rendition of “Careless Whisper” stuck in your head. I’ve had it on perma-loop for like a week now, and it shows no sign of letting up. Thus, today’s Tuesday Tunes:

Can I level with you for a second? I’ve watched this video a million times in the past week (my boyfriend asked me in a near whimper after the 30th time I played it, “How much more George Michael are we going to listen to?” as if there is such a thing as TOO MUCH GEORGE MICHAEL. He clearly does not know me at all), and the only thing I see is EYEBROWS, George Michael’s finely manscaped eyebrows. In fact, I’m pretty sure the working title of the song was actually “Careless Whisper (An Ode to Expressive Eyebrows)” or “Careless Whisper (Tweezers Redux).” What, you didn’t notice them? Are you serious? Here’s a screen cap. (You guys, I had SO MUCH FUN screencapping this video. I didn’t think I would finish because I was laughing so hard).

Look at them. Have you ever seen a more enormous and even pair of eyebrows on a man before? They are so acutely angled and perfectly arched they remind of an IKEA desk lamp. This sounds like a stretch, but you have to realize my brain is practically a rolodex of the IKEA catalog of products. Lots of things remind mme of IKEA furniture or accessories.

 You know what I’m going to do, right? You have to be able to see this one coming. There is no limit to how low I will sink.

…..

I am so perverse that this makes perfect sense to me.

I don’t know what I love most about this picture. Is it his gold earrings? His flesh colored lips? The light streaming through his finely coiffed hair? No, wait, figured it out. EYEBROWS.

Okay, so to be fair I was negative 2 years old when this video came out, and I know the 80s are known for how awesomely bad everyone’s sense of style was, but what type of world was I born into that a man could have geometric approximations of eyebrows and dangle from ropes while singing ballads about a gender he wasn’t attracted to? His eyebrows are bigger than any of his facial features AND his fingers.

Whew. That’s better.

And you know, my objections to the weird creative direction of this video doesn’t end at the ropes or the fabulous caterpillars that have taken residence above his soulful eyes, no no. This video is rife with amazing, unintentionally hilarious moments.

Who came up with this camera angle? What is it, George Michael? Why are you reaching to the heavens with that pained look on your face? Do you not like the desk lamp?? DON’T WORRY, GEORGE MICHAEL! It comes in silver and white, too!

$19.99, available in 3 colors.

George Michael, I’m sure the chains and ropes hanging from the ceiling are distracting, but you’re not singing into the mic. Unless the director was trying to insinuate that the power of George Michael’s vocal capabilities required no amplification. Then why even have a mic at all? You’re almost there, just lean a little to the left…

Nope, you missed it. Just move your eyebrows around, no one will notice.

This is not a bathing suit. I don’t care what year it is, she is basically wearing dental floss. And from behind, this lady and George Michael have pretty much the same hair.

See? Here I think he is really excited because she promised to let him use her good tweezers.

Can we just pause to examine the sheer implausability of this situation? George Michael is passed out in bed, slutty woman of the dental floss bathing suit fame is freshly showered after their “passionate” “lovemaking”, and there in the doorway stands George Michael’s sad and heartbroken fiancé in the dowdiest dress the 80s had to offer. I mean, the red silk sheets I totally believe, but there is no level of delusion coercive enough to make anyone buy this scenario. I’m pretty sure the director told George Michael that the only way it would work is if he pretended to be asleep. Et voila.

I think I should end Tuesday Tunes here. I’m not sure how I’m going to top this. I don’t intend to feature something this ridiculous again next week, but we’ll see.

Tell me about your Christmases! I apologize in advance if “Careless Whisper” gets stuck in your head. It’s still in mine, if it’s any consolation.

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December 27, 2011 / Tuesday Tunes / LEAVE A COMMENT / 17

17 comments

  • You are brilliant. Absolutely brialliant!

    • Ha, you’re too sweet, lady.

  • Can’t breathe…lamp-brows…hyperventilating from silent-shoulder-lifting-laughter.

    Oh YOU!

    • Haha, thanks doll! I’m loving the mental image of you silently holding in your laughter. That’s bad for your brain, I hear!

  • Did you notice George’s eyes are the exact same colour as his hair? Just like me!

    My favourite is the video to Last christmas which bears a striking resemblance to our annual ski holiday where we share chalets with lots of numpties.

    That swimming costume is gross and she clearly gave Georgios a roofie. How else would she have got him into bed?

    • I love that you called him “Georgios” because in researching him for this post I found out he was Greek (never knew!) and have not been able to get over his real name! Georgios Kyriacos Panagiotou. I love it. And I love that his eyes match his hair, I hadn’t noticed that before. If my hair matched my eyes I’d have blue hair! Yikes!

      Ugh, the women in that video are so weird on all counts. Made only worse when you put them in dental floss swimwear.

      Okay, fill me in: what are numpties? I could google this one but I’d rather hear it from you.

  • Numpties are divs. But perhaps more endearing.

    Be careful what you say about Wham! women as I used to live in the actual flat below actual Luke Goss from Bros who lived with actual Pepsi from Pepsi and Shirley fame. They were the two girls that hung around with Andrew and Georgios, I know you’re too young to know all this.

    Georgios only lives about two miles away from us. Just sayin’.

    • I am indeed too young for all of it, but I won’t speak ill of George any further. Not that I ever really meant to, I don’t think I reiterated strongly enough that I think “Careless Whisper” is one hell of a jam.

      If you ever see him out and about, please be sure to mention this post. Thanks. ;)

  • You’ve outdone yourself! Of course, the guy playing the sax all over town is filming in Southern California. Hahaha, that’s funny all by itself. Poor Georgio, I can’t help but think about what he’s doing today, or not doing. Yea, the 80’s were not a good era, at all.

    • I actually have 6 degrees of separation from Sergio Flores (sexy sax man). A family friend has a friend who’s friends with him. I asked how much it would cost to fly him east to have him sax-bomb my office, because can you imagine?? I’m pretty sure I would get promoted in a heartbeat after giving my company a gift so grand.

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